Ask a Bohemian!
by PirateRockstarColumbia
Summary: Have you ever wnated to ask your favorite Bohemians something, but never could? Now you can! All you have to do is submit your questions, and the Bohemians will answer them!
1. Episode One

_**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**RENT.**_** Because if I did, I would be living in Ireland, immensely wealthy, and so not writing fanfictions. But for those who need me to say it again: **_**I DO NOT OWN RENT!**

_**Author's note: Special thanks goes to Angel's Star, whose story **_**Ask a Pirate**_** inspired this, and to mangamadde, whose **_**Ask a Sanjayin **_**keeps getting ripped off for us to do these things!**_

o0o

Theme music plays, to general applause from the studio audience. When the music dies, PirateRockstarColumbia (henceforth known as PRC or simply PirateRockstar) enters the stage. There is more applause.

PRC: Hi there, everybody! And welcome to the very first episode of Ask a Bohemian! Now, in order for this to work, I need you, my viewers (readers) to send in questions to ask our lovely Bohemian friends. But before you can do that, I need to introduce them. So everybody give a warm welcome to our first two Bohemians, who will be returning to the show every week, Roger Davis and Mark Cohen!

There is loud, enthusiastic applause as the Boho boys walk onstage. Rather, as Roger is nearly dragged onstage by Mark. They sit in the seats marked for them, and see that there are two extra chairs

Roger: Who sits there?

PRC: That's for when we invite other Bohemians on the show. So, boys, how does it feel to be on the show?

Mark: Well, PirateRockstar, I don't see that we had any choice. You stole my camera and Roger's guitar and threatened to destroy them if we didn't do the show.

PRC: (nervous laugh) I did no such thing! (in an undertone) If you promise to come back next week of your own free will, I'll relinquish your possessions.

Roger: Done! Where do we sign?

PRC: (pulls out a contract) Here…and here…and initial here. (Once the boys have signed, she replaces the contract in the folder by her chair.) Now boys, you know how the show works, but for those in the audience who may not know how it works, let me break it down for you. So, when this episode ends, the lines will be open, and you can submit your questions for Roger, Mark, or even me! Make sure you send in lots of questions, so that we don't sit here in boredom for the next few weeks. Every so often, we will have special guests. When we do, I will announce them the episode before, so that you can send questions to them too! So, boys, any question on how this works?

Roger: Yeah. Can you possibly have that girl in the front row removed? She keeps trying to touch my foot…and I'm a little worried about what else she may want to touch. (shoots nervous glances in the girl's direction)

PRC: Sure. (mutters) Security. The girl, who is slowly climbing onstage, is escorted out by security. She continues to stare in Roger's direction. Roger lets out an audible sigh as she disappears. Okay boys, here are the rules of the show. When someone sends in a question, you need to answer as honestly as you can. If you really can't answer something, let me know and we'll take care of the problem. Now boys, you receive automatic insult protection. All insults will be censored. Some of our guests will receive limited insult protection as well, but we'll worry about that later. You cannot decline to answer a question only on the grounds that it seems inappropriate. DO you get all that?

Mark: Yeah, I think we do. So, when does the actual show begin?

PRC: As soon as we get some questions. Next week, hopefully. (glances at a screen in the corner) And it appears that we are out of time for this week's episode. Next week, we will have the Boho boys, as well as special guest Mimi Marquez. So make sure you send in tons of questions for the boys, Mimi, and me! (you don't have to send any for me if you don't want to.) See you all next week!

o0o

_**Author's note: Start sending in those questions, guys, I can't update until you do!**_


	2. Episode Two

_**Disclaimer-Again, I do not own RENT.**_

Theme music plays. General applause. PRC enters.

PRC: Hey guys, and welcome back to Ask a Bohemian! Now, we've got tons of great questions, but first, I must welcome our guests! So, please give a warm welcome to Roger and Mark, and our special guest, Mimi Marquez!

There is more applause as the Bohemians walk on stage. Roger and Mark sit in their previously assigned chairs, but Mimi is unsure of where to sit.

PRC: (points to the empty chair next to Roger) There is fine, Mimi.

Mimi sits down. She looks worried about doing this show.

Mimi: So, all we have to do is answer questions?

PRC: Exactly! (pulls a folder thick with questions from under her chair) Now, shall we begin? Our first question comes from Roger and Mimi. Roger, she says: I'm 14, and play bass guitar and I love music and I wanna do music when I grow up and I wanna know what did you listen to when you were my age, like what bands and stuff and also what advice do you have for an aspiring musician like myself?

Roger: Well, um…let's see, at fourteen…I wasn't actually playing yet at fourteen. I started my freshman year of high school, when I was fifteen. However, I was listening to a lot of classic rock-well, it wasn't really classic at the time. I've always been into Jimi Hendrix, The Who, and Janis Joplin. I really like the old sixties rock. You know, the hippie generation? I've also been a fan of Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Styx, Def Leppard, Pat Benetar and, though you'd never believe this by looking at me, KISS. I also like a lot of classical music: Mozart's Requiem, La Boheme, things like that. As for what advice I'd give to an aspiring musician, I'd say this: whatever you do, don't give up your dream. People are always going to think you're crazy for wanting to be a musician, but just stick to your dreams and goals, and you'll get far. Also, avoid drugs. Those'll kill a career faster than OJ Simpson pleads not guilty!

PRC: Great advice. Let's hope OJ's not a fan, or we'll be facing a lawsuit bigger than Benny's ego. Anyway, our next question, still from Roger and Mimi, is for Mark. She asks: What happened at your bar mitzvah?...I know there has to be a good story with that.

Mark: Oh, jeez, the bar mitzvah. Well, I'm sure you all know that Mo and Roger were there. Okay, so, the actual ceremony, you know, the reading from the Torah and everything, went normally. It was the party after that was a disaster. My parents gave me my first camera that day, so we have it all on film. Anyway, Maureen decided it would be funny to spike the punch.

Roger: Oh, god, I remember that! It was kind of funny.

Mark: Shut up. Anyway, she told everyone but me. So, several glasses of punch later, I was dancing on the tables, talking about anarchy and things like that. Sort of a prerunner to La Vie Boheme, now that I think about it. It was not funny at the time. My parents were horrified, it did not reflect well on our family…It was so not funny!

PRC: Actually, I kind of think it was. Wish I could have been there! Anyway, next question. Still from Roger and Mimi, this one is for Mimi. Roger and Mimi asks: Do you have any advice to live by? And how is Roger in bed?

Mimi: I cannot believe you just asked me that! (laughs) Do you know how many people ask me that? I don't kiss and tell…or have sex and tell! Let's just say I have no complaints there! (grins at Roger, who rolls his eyes) The only advice I can offer to live by isn't really mine. Just forget regret, and remember no day but today!

PRC: That's great advice, Mimi. Okay, our next few questions are for Roger. Krissy7p wants to know: Where did you pick up your fender guitar?

Roger: Well, which fender do you mean? I've had several over the years. (laughs) Well, my friends all bought me my first one. That one didn't last long. April helped me buy my second one. It once belonged to Jimi Hendrix. I was actually really lucky that the pawn shop hadn't sold it yet when I got back to New York.

PRC: Next one: Other than Angel, which of the boho boys do you think would look good in drag? (yourself and Benny included.) Don't ask why I'm asking, just wanted to.

Roger: Yeah, okay…whatever. I really don't want to picture that, but if you really want to know what I think…um, not me, definitely not me. And Collins is far too manly for that. Maybe Mark.

Mark: Fuck you, dude.

Roger: See, this is why I think you'd look good in drag. That comment right there.

PRC: Okay, boys, enough. Last question for Roger. Have you guys ever considered getting a pet?

Roger: Well, we have. But honestly, it'd probably get neglected and die, because we'd all be too busy to think about an animal. So it's better not to test that theory.

PRC: Thanks for that insight, Roger. Now, Krissy7p has some questions for Mark too. First one: Where/when did you get your scarf?

Mark: Wow. You know, no one has ever asked me about the scarf before. I got it right before I started at Brown. Roger gave it to me.

Roger: Yeah, because it's cold in Rhode Island.

PRC: Next question. Mark, Krissy7p would also like to know: What's your sexual orientation? I know you dated Maureen but that still doesn't tell us if you're straight or bi.

Mark: Did you seriously just ask me that? Jeez, why am I getting all the fucked up questions?

PRC: Don't worry; Roger's got a few coming too.

Mark: Okay, for the record, I'm straight. As a line.

Mimi: You know, lines can be crooked…

Mark: I hate you.

PRC: Okay, moving one. Finally, Mark, Krissy7p wants to know: How klutzy are you? (The way you move around makes you look very klutzy to me. I'm a major klutz so that kinda sticks out to me.)

Mark: I am not a klutz. Sheesh. Well, maybe a bit of one. But I'm not a huge klutz. You're thinking of Mo.

PRC: Thanks for that. Now, all of you, LostOzian wonders: What comes to mind when you hear the words 'ice sculpture'? Tell me now!

Roger: Definitely that disastrous commitment ceremony Joanne and Maureen had. Man, that was good. Except Mimi kept taking my food away from me!

Mimi: Oh, god. I always think of Angel. The first year I was in New York, she took me to see a giant ice sculpture in Central Park…I go every year.

Mark: Same as Roger. Mo and Jo.

PRC: Cool to know. I personally think of the Yule Ball in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but that's just me. Now, Roger, FelineMimiDavis74 is curious. She writes: Now that Mimi has come back to you, are you going to change?

Roger: Like, change how? I wasn't aware I needed to change. You mean like give up music and get a real job? Mimi would kill me.

PRC: Cool to know. FelineMimiDavis74 asks Mark: Have you quit Buzzline for good? Because your way to cool for that place.

Mark: Yeah. I'm definitely done with that place for good. I was selling out there. Besides, I've already had several freelance offers.

PRC: Mimi, this one's yours. FelineMimiDavis74 asks you: Are you done with drugs for good?

Mimi: No shit. I was stupid to have ever started in the first place. Now, I've got something to stay clean for. I'm staying clean for Roger, and he's staying clean for me.

PRC: Good girl. Now, Roger, armageddon-incarnate wants to know a couple things. First one: Roger, would you ever, EVER consider dumping Mimi for Mark?

Roger: What the hell? Dude, Mark and I are JUST FRIENDS! Why can't people get that through their heads? I would NEVER consider dating him. I'm just as straight as Angel is a crossdresser. Jeez.

PRC: No need to get so defensive Roger, people will wonder if you're lying to us. Anyway, next question, still from armageddon-incarnate: What do you think death is like?

Roger: Dude, do you know how many times I've died in fanfics? I always seem to come back. Anyway, that wasn't your question. Well, I think death is just another part of life. I'm not sure if I believe in a heaven or a hell. I mean, I'd hope to go to heaven, but whatever, you know? It totally wouldn't bug me if I died and just rotted in the ground, or went to hell or anything. I've heard Hell is one big party anyway!

PRC: I wanna go to Hell! I hear you get to be sexy and you get free pineapple! Anyway, armageddon-incarnate's last question is: How mad would you be if I kidnapped you? (thinks) Hmm. You don't actually have to answer that.

Roger: No, it's cool. I don't know. Would you bring my Fender? (laughs) I'm kidding, I'd be pretty mad. I mean, I don't read a lot of the fics on this site, but I got kidnapped by my own mother in one of them. Which one was that?

PRC: AlyssaLLBlack13's _Mommie's Revenge._ It was part two of her Mommie Quintet. (strange looks from Roger) I've read it. I know the author.

Roger: Yeah, that one. Anyway, I'd be pretty pissed.

PRC: Can't blame you. Okay, Mark, we've got some for you too! degreenifyme would like to know: How old is your camera?

Mark: The one I've got now is about five years old. I've had three in my life. I got one at my bar mitzvah, one at graduation, and one shortly after that because _someone _hocked the graduation one for drug money.

Roger: I did say I was sorry for that, man.

Mark: I know. Anyway, that's why the current one isn't that good. I like it, though. I can't really be a Bohemian with an expensive camera.

PRC: Nice to know. degreenifyme also asks: During the Tango Maureen (movie), you seemed to be attracted to Joanne. Is it true?

Mark: Man, why would you ask that? At that point, I still wasn't over Maureen. Honestly, I don't think I could ever see myself with Joanne. She's not my type. For one, she's a full lesbian.

PRC: Yeah, well, that doesn't mean a thing. Last question from degreenifyme: What kind of girl do you like?

Mark: (laughs) I don't know. Well, I like honesty. I don't really like when someone cheats on me, though it was nice that Maureen never lied about it. I like kind girls. I'm the type of guy who would fall for the girl next door.

Mimi: You mean like Emily? (sniggers)

Mark: Yeah, I like girls like Emily Goodhall. She was good for me.

PRC: For those of you who don't know, Emily Goodhall is an AU character created by DataGirl3. You should go check out her Emily story arc. It is very good. So, Mimi, not many people have been asking you questions. How do you feel?

Mimi: If it means I don't have to answer awkward questions, I'm good.

PRC: Well, we've got some more questions. Mark, Kidsnextdoor112 asks: How often do you take bubble baths?

Mark: Yeah, like we even have a working tub! I'm not really the type to take bubble baths. So not that often.

PRC: Cool. Roger, Kidsnextdoor112 asks you: Don't you ever get bored like not ever leaving your house?

Roger: Well, I leave the house now! (laughs) Honestly, that six months I didn't leave the house, I was so out of it most of the time I didn't even notice. I mean, April had just died, I was trying to cold turkey, and I didn't really give a fuck what happened to me. Mimi's the one who got me out of the house.

PRC: Okay then. Mimi, Kidsnextdoor112 asks you: Did you and Angel ever do a cat scratch show together?

Mimi: No, we didn't. Only because Angel's technically a guy, and they don't really let guys work at the Cat Scratch. It would have been fun though!

PRC: Sounds like. So, Kidsnextdoor112 wants to know, Mark, Roger: What's up with the answering machine always saying "Speak"? Don't you guys ever change it? (Or even answer the phone!)

Roger: It started as a joke, actually. We never meant to keep it. It was supposed to be just a short-term thing, till we could think up something better. Then everything happened and we just never got around to it. Now people would just be terrified if we did!

Mark: We answer the phone, when it's someone important. We just like to screen our calls. In case it's someone we don't want to talk to.

PRC: (laughs) Hopefully you answer for talent scouts and such! Okay, next question is…Oh! It's for me. Kidsnextdoor112 asks me: What's 2+2 divided by 12 times 86 by the square root of 26? Oh, um, let me think… (pulls out calculator) You didn't say I had to do it in my head. (punches in the numbers) There is no answer. It's an impossible question.

Roger: She's right about that. There's no such number. (weird looks from Mimi) I was my class valedictorian, Mimi. I remember bits of my lessons!

PRC: Well, that's all the time we have for today. Be sure to tune it next week, when our special guest is none other than Allison Grey!

Mark/Roger: WHAT THE FUCK!?

PRC: Yes, for those of you have always wanted to ask Allison questions, she'll be here. Thank you Mimi, for being on the show, you'll be back in a later episode, I'm sure.

Mimi: Cool. Thanks for having me.

PRC: So, tune in next week, and be sure to send lots of questions to Mark, Roger, and of course, Allison. (leans in and whispers) Muffy doesn't have insult protection. Just so you know. (normal voice) Thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next week!

o0o

_**Author's note: Thanks to all the people who sent in questions! I can't do this without you all! **_


	3. Episode Three

_**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**RENT.**

Theme music plays. PRC enters, followed by Roger and Mark.

PRC: Welcome back to the show, boys. Um, where's Allison?

Roger: She won't come out of the dressing room.

PRC: (mutters) Security

Allison is dragged unceremoniously onstage and thrown into a chair. She looks annoyed. (And will henceforth be referred to as "Muffy")

Muffy: Why do I have to do this stupid show?

PRC: Ask a Bohemian is not stupid. And you're here because Benny signed your contract.

Muffy: I'm going to kill him!

PRC: Whatever. Question time! So, since we started with Roger last time, we'll begin with Mark. Our first question comes from jumpOVERtheMOON. She asks: How did it feel to get dumped by your girlfriend for another woman?

Mark: Ouch. Man, it sucked. Really bad.

Roger: Yeah, he cried for days.

Mark: Why do you always have to dig out the painful secrets?

PRC: Boys! Next question, for Roger, comes from jumpOVERtheMOON too. She wants to know: How did you know you were in love with Mimi?

Roger: I don't know. I just…did. Wow, this sounds so bad of me. But I just knew that I wanted her. I guess the major factor was Santa Fe. I kept seeing her face everywhere, and I knew she was the one for me.

PRC: (wipes a stray tear) How beautiful! Anyway, our next question comes from Li'l Miss Woolworth Pearls. She asks Mark: If the choice were available, would you get back with Maureen? Or would you maybe get with her AND Joanne?

Mark: Alright, a three-way! (laughs) No, I don't think I would. A lot of people see me getting back with Maureen, but I can't see it. Looking back, I can see that she wasn't good for me.

PRC: Okay, Mark, she also asks: When did you decide you were interested in filmography?

Mark: I don't know. Before I was thirteen.

PRC: Lovely. Roger, the next set is for you. We start with: What was it like to live with Maureen?

Roger: Heh. Well, she moved out while I was still all…you know. But what I can remember…oh, the good times. There was one time…oh, no, I'm not telling you that!

PRC: Curious minds will want to know. Anyway, next: Does Mark talk in his sleep? If so, what does he say?

Roger: I don't pay enough attention to that, actually. Sorry.

PRC: Lovely. Li'l Miss Woolworth Pearls asks all: Who's your favorite actor/actress? Allison, this includes you.

Mark: You'll laugh. My favorite actress is Susan Sarandon.

Roger: (laughs) HAHA! Saran-wrap. Oh, the inside jokes there! Anyway, mine is Tim Curry. Especially in The Three Musketeers. You know, as Cardinal Richelieu.

Muffy: I like Meryl Streep.

PRC: Whatever. Anyway, next we have missxflawless. Allison, she wants to know: You, Benny and a friend are walking in a forest. If Benny and your friend fall into a hole in the ground, WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER'S FAVORITE COLOR?!

Muffy: I'm not sure what most of that question is asking, but my mother's favorite color is chocolate brown.

PRC: Yeah, see, we don't care. Anyway, Mark, missxflawless wants to know: have you ever considered real estate?

Mark: Why would I consider real estate?

PRC: I think that's the best answer you're going to get from him. Next, we have Looking4You. She asks Roger: how do you know about Mark's inability to hold an erection on high holy days?

Roger: Jesus, it was a joke. I don't give a rat's ass if Mark can hold an erection or not.

PRC: Great. Allison, Birdhearted wants to know: Do you know that Benny only married you for your money?

Muffy: Yeah, I know. Whatever.

PRC: And LostOzian would like to know: how much of a b-i-t-c-h are you?

Muffy: Don't I have insult protection?

PRC: No. Answer the question.

Muffy: I am not a bitch.

Roger: Could have fooled me.

PRC: Next question. This one comes from ProngsAmyRoger. She asks Mark: if you had to spend the rest of your life on an island with only one of your friends and 3 items of yours who would you bring/why and what items/why?

Mark: Um…I'd bring Angel, because she would be able to keep boredom from setting in. As for what I'd bring, well, definitely my camera. Also, clothing. And probably a lot of Captain Crunch.

PRC: Nice. Roger, ProngsAmyRoger wants to know: in some fics you wear regular cloths but in others you wear you plaid pants for days on end. What do you like to wear best?

Roger: Um….the plaid pants are comfy. I guess it just depends on what I'm doing. If I don't plan on leaving the house for a while-like I'm working on a new song or whatever-I'll wear the plaid. But if I'm going somewhere, I definitely wear regular cloths.

PRC: Cool. Now, Allison, ProngsAmyRoger wants to know: How does it make you feel when Roger calls you "Muffy"?

Roger: (smacks forehead with hand, mutters) She didn't know about that!

Muffy: He calls me WHAT?! (glares at Roger) Why I oughta….

PRC: He has violence protection. Don't try it. Answer the question.

Muffy: Well, I don't like it. It's annoying. (continues glaring at Roger)

PRC: (in an undertone to Roger) Remind me when the show is over to loan you one of my security guards.

Roger: (in an undertone back) I'll do that.

PRC: Okay, next question. Mark, degreenifyme has some more questions for you. We'll start with this one: Aside from Nanette Himelfarb, who are other Jewish girls that you've dated/ your parents want for you?

Mark: For the record, I never dated Nanette. I took tango lessons with her, but I never dated her. Funny thing. The rabbi's daughter turned out to be a lesbian. I never actually dated any Jewish girls. Just Maureen.

PRC: Nice. Next question: What happened to "Today 4 U: Proof Positive"?

Mark: I still have it. I drag it out whenever Roger slips into one of his moods. Or whenever we decide we miss Angel.

PRC: How sweet. Last one: Can we be friends?!

Mark: (laughs) Yes. We can be friends. But no kidnapping me or anything. (Laughs) Nah, it's cool. We could be friends. But seriously, no craziness.

PRC: Okay. Now Roger, Roger and Mimi would like to know: Why do you call Alison Muffy?

Muffy: I think we'd all like to know that.

Roger: Down girl. Yeah, it really just started as an inside joke with Mark and Maureen. Mostly Maureen. I don't really know why, except to piss off Benny. Muffy just seems like the type of name a snotty rich bitch would have.

PRC: Okay, thanks for that. Allison, there's some for you too. First off: Do you know why Evita died (or who killed Evita XD)?

Muffy: That damn cross dresser killed my dog. The woman next door to us paid that abomination to kill my poor Evita.

Roger/Mark: Angel is NOT an abomination. You are.

PRC: Okay, let's all just calm down. Next one: When did you buy Evita?

Muffy: Two years before she died.

PRC: Next: How did you meet Benny?

Muffy: We met at a FBLA veteran's convention. We hit it off instantly.

PRC: And last one…you've answered this one. It's about Benny and your money. So, degreenifyme has a couple of questions for you, Allison. First: What made you fall in love with Benny?

Muffy: Well, I just sort of…saw him from a distance, and…we hit it off.

PRC: Lovely. Finally, she asks: What is one secret that you have that your traditional family is trying to hide? (nothing too scandalous. You are a prim, rich girl, after all).

Muffy: That is none of your business.

PRC: I'm sure Benny will answer when he comes on. So, Roger, theGREENgirlTHATluvsRENT wants to know: Looking back, if April was still alive could you see yourself still being with her?

Roger: I don't know. Maybe? I wouldn't have met Mimi if she hadn't died, so…yeah, probably. Of course, I'd probably also be dead by now, but we won't go into that!

PRC: Lovely visual, thanks. Allison, theGREENgirlTHATluvsRENT asks: What was your childhood like?

Muffy: It was a normal childhood. I lived with my parents, went to school, and spent four years at a nice college. The usual.

Roger: Yeah, usual for someone who happens to have a billion dollars in their damn pocket.

PRC: Roger….anyway, FelineMimiDavis74 wants to elaborate on a question from the last episode, when she asked if you were going to change. She says: I'll elaborate for Roger; I meant change by NOT pushing her away.

Roger: Oh, that's what she meant. Well then, yes, I'm definitely going to change in that respect.

PRC: Good. Allison, Roger and Mimi wants you to know that you're a total bitch. The rest of you, LostOzian asks: How b-i-t-c-h-y is Allison?

Roger: A total bitch. Like, if you rated her on a scale from 1 to 10, she'd be like a fifty.

Mark: As Roger so eloquently (eye roll) put it, yes, Muffy is, indeed, a bitch.

Muffy: Oh, fuck you all.

PRC: Well, that's about all the time we have left. Tune in next week to ask Maureen some questions, as well as the Boho boys! (Calls through a little microphone piece attached to her shirt) Security, please escort Miss Grey out.

Allison is unceremoniously thrown out. The mood immediately lightens.

PRC: Be sure to send in plenty of questions for the gang to answer! And we're out!

o0o

_**Author's Note: Thanks for all the support I've been getting. This makes me happy, as well as more likely to do the sequel!**_


End file.
